Best Wishes

Nativity Scene (30 Shades of Christmas – 20)

Once I accepted my blazing demise, I collected myself and started a “to do” list. Number one on the list find a place to call home for a while. I asked Ray if he knew of any place available.

“Krissie I have a spare bedroom, why don’t you come live with me until your situation is put out!”

“NO!” I shouldn’t have been so abrupt with him but it was for his own sake. While spending four days with him in the safe, I had dreams about chocking him just for the entertainment value.

“Thank you Ray but I need my privacy. I’ll book a room in a hotel, the insurance should cover it.”

I made a few calls, there were NO rooms available anywhere; there was a librarian/Wed Developer convention in town and they pretty much had booked every thing.

I checked to see if there was any furnished place in the newspaper classified ads. Halleluiah! I found a place on a farm where the barn had been converted into living facilities.

I called and was told I was too late; a couple had beaten me to it. The owner told me it would not have been adequate for me because adjoining to the barn was a noisy donkey and a stinky Ox. The couple who rented the place didn’t care. The lady was about to burst with child and since all the rooms in town were rented already, they couldn’t find anything better. They were just passing through, so if I still needed it, after Christmas to just give them a call, they would see what they could do about the animals.

Coming back to my car I talked to a young boy. He invited me to his home, he was home alone… I didn’t trust him at all; his story was just too strange. Being a responsible adult, I sent two men to check it out.

If there were a roof on the sleigh, I would have just crashed there, but in winter, without a roof over my head, no way! I might as well live under a bridge.

I had only one option left, move in to the shop. It’s the busiest time of the year and the shop is running twenty four hours a day.  I know it will be inconvenient but at least, I’ll be warm. 

To be continued…

The Muffin Man (30 Shades of Christmas – 19)

You don’t truly appreciate freedom until you’ve lost it in a safe…

Now that I am free, I would like to say something meaningful, significant and inspiring, but I didn’t find anything so I’ll just bore you with the continuation of my story!

The first thing Ray and I enjoyed after our captivity was food. We didn’t count calories, didn’t care about the bites size, didn’t waste time sitting down, didn’t even care about using utensils, we just stuffed ourselves till it hurt!

Second joyful moment was the toilet. It was the most comfortable seat I had the pleasure to enjoy in four days!

Usually in December we work seven days a week and when I say “we” I mean Ray. I’m the boss! In my new found liberty, I decided to give Ray the day off. I’m sure the poor thing needed to watch his soaps on TV.

Before he left I warned him to stay out of trouble. I didn’t want him to encounter Officer Malone (AKA Grinch). We didn’t want the Grinch knowing his plan had failed and give him time to derail Christmas again.

I went downtown.  I was on the lookout for any police car. Talk about respecting the speed limits.

When it was time to return, I stopped at the muffin man store. It’s on Berry Lane. Do you know the muffin man? 

It’s a small shop so I was not afraid to run into Officer Malone there. Him being a cop and all, he must be more inclined to go to the donut place, right?

AND WHOSE CAR DID I SEE STOPPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STORE? Ray’s, he’s also a patron of the muffin man.

“Krissie I’m so glad to have found you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your house is burning down! I saw smoke and went to check where it was coming from. By the time I reached your house the flames were coming out the windows. The entire fire department was just sitting there, looking, they couldn’t do anything; the fire hydrant seemed to be frozen. I also saw the Grinch, he didn’t see me but I could see his face being illuminated with a smile.”

I am so in shock, 12 days before Christmas and I am homeless, I have no where to go. Does any one out there have a spare Ginger House for me?

Is it my destiny to be like the little match girl? I’ll warm myself with matches till I have no more and then my grandmother will carry me to heaven? I know I am a drama queen right now, but I can’t help it, my future is going down in a blaze of fire.

To be continued…

I’ll be (in your) home for Christmas (30 Shades of Christmas – 18)

Captivity Day 3

Nothing happened; we are locked forever in what might become our coffin. I don’t have any energy left.

I looked at Ray and never in my life I thought he would be the “one” till death do us apart!

I have to face it; the Grinch has won the battle!

Captivity Day 4

When I woke up, my pity party was over; I have to find a way to get out of here.

The room is so silent, it’s like a wake! Suddenly, the light bulb came on, bright as thousands Christmas light: “Ray last Christmas, I gave you a Swiss army knife, you didn’t give it away did you, do you still have it with you?”

“I do, but Krissie, we’re not that desperate yet!” He says.

“Ray I’m not thinking about killing ourselves.  Your knife has a screw driver, right?”

“Yes there is. What are you thinking? Are we going to screw ourselves out of here?”

“The opposite, we are going to unscrew ourselves out of here. We are going to unbolt the door handle, and then it’s going to be child play to get out of here!” I am so flabbergasted for having found a possible solution.

Ray gives me his knife. When I get to the handle, there are no screws. My plan can’t work. Frustrated I hit the handle and IT TURNS! The alarm goes BEEP BEEP BEEP as the door opens.

The entire time, the door was not locked. The Grinch had armed the alarm without locking the door. I never thought to check it out, how dumb is that! There is a good lesson here: If you think you can’t, you can’t, if you think you can, turn the damn handle, it’s unlocked!

From now, when ever anyone asks me what was the most embarrassing moment of my life; do I have a good story for them or what!

You’ll have to excuse me if I cut this short; I’m going on a trip, a trip to the kitchen! 

To be continue...

Not so Silent Night (30 Shades of Christmas – 17)

Captivity Day 2

Our first night in captivity was terrible. I have never been in a maximum security jail before, the occupants being on the naughty list I don’t have a reason to visit, but I imagine it’s something similar to what I experienced last night. 

We were sleeping head to toe on a shelf, giving a new meaning to shelf life. I have never slept with my “cellmate” before, boy does he snore! It kept me awake most of the night. I must admit, I did poke him several times and acted as if I was sleeping all along.  The poking made the incoming-train-like-noise stop for a while.

I think the mouse thought we were there for her amusement, she came in, got almost in Ray’s face, ran around, stared at me, probably thinking “look at me, look at me, I can get in and out no problem!”  If she comes close to me, I’ll shave her moustache off!

In the morning Ray woke up and asked: “What’s for breakfast.”

“Ray” I answered “Lets play the Hunger Game. Who ever survive can eat the loser.” For a strange reason, Ray hasn’t spoken about eating anymore!

I think Ray was feeling a little self-conscious and talking would be a good way of forgetting about our current predicament. He said: “Krissie you haven’t told me why you were with a police officer?”

“That’s right I forgot about that. The safe is empty, I still can’t figure out what happened with my LIST ©!”

“Oh that!” he answered looking uneasy.

“I decided to surprise you for Christmas, I enrolled all the elves and during the night we digitized the LIST ©. The elves were wearing slippers so to not wake you up and ruin the surprise. You should have seen it; they were all lined up, from the safe to the shop, passing the books from one to the other. At the shop, it went like clock work, one was scanning the LIST ©, passing it to the next one who was shredding it. We will use the shredded paper to pack delicate gifts; see we are recycling in the North Pole!”

“Every name has been saved on our server, here is my present.” He got a small electronic gadget from his pocket and handed it to me.

“I had no time to wrap it but it’s a Global Positioning Santa System (GPSS V1.00), it is password protected so we don’t need a safe any more. Every name and address has already been downloaded. On Christmas Night when you will activate your GPSS, it will map your whole delivery route for you in the most efficient way.”  

I had to bite my tongue. If he had just locked the safe and left a note inside in case I came in, we would not be in this jail right now.

I want to put my hands around his neck and stop the air flow, but knowing it’s the thought that counts I just said: “Thanks Ray, it’s the most thoughtful gift I have ever received.”

I can’t help to add, with a sarcastic tone: “If we ever get out of here, it will be really useful.”

The longer we are stuck here the more Christmas spirit escapes me!

To be continued…

Oh, I’m dreaming of a white… rescuer (30 Shades of Christmas – 16)

Captivity Day 1

After Grinch locked us in, I turned around and saw a smile on Ray’s face. Didn’t he realize our shit-uation? “Ray, why are you smiling?” I asked him.

He started to laugh and told me: “He is not the smartest gun in the whole pole, is he? He forgot to search us and I have my cell on me!”.

“Ray we are in the safe, it’s shielded, you are not going to get a signal in here!” I said, frustrated.

Poor guy, he is priceless in an office but get him away from his desk and he is as lost as carollers at a rock concert!

We sat on the floor and drank our coffee while it was still warm. We were both lost in our thoughts when I heard: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERK”

Ray was trying to get himself away from the floor by climbing the shelves. “WHAT are you doing Ray? We have only been locked in here for a few hours, are you losing it already?”

The poor thing stuttered: “A mo.. amo.. a mou” and finally “A mouse!”

“The last time we talked about your phobias it included snakes, ants, reindeer and cats, don’t tell me you are afraid of mice too?”

“Krissie I can’t help it, I am; ever since the mouse ran up the clock.”

To calm the princess down, I caught the white mouse by its tail and deposited it in my now empty coffee mug. I had a splitting headache, so I told Ray I would just lie down for a little while and we would work on a plan later.

I didn’t have any idea how long I slept, but when I woke up, the coffee had migrated in a part of my body that demanded to let it go, let it go, let it go. Sadly the safe didn’t have a toilet. The only thing I saw which could somehow be used as a pee-receptacle were the coffee mugs. I looked and Ray had already used his for that purpose, mine still had the mouse in it, and that poor thing looked disgusted to have been stuck without food or drinks in a space too small to do anything.

I had no choice I really had to let it go, let it go, let it go… then it hit me: If the mouse found a way to get in the safe, maybe the sealed room was not so sealed after all. If I let the mouse go and we watched where the mouse got out, we would just need to get Ray’s phone near the hole and he would probably get a signal! I know I’m a genius!  I shared the plan with Ray and told him to climb on a shelf; I had never seen him move that fast, ever. Funny what a little motivation can do!

I released the mouse and right away it went running toward Ray’s shelf. Ray, shrieking, was about to climb to higher grounds, when I saw our white rescuer disappear between a post and the wall. I bent down and saw a minuscule crack.

Surely the mouse was relieved and I urgently needed to relieve myself before attempting to call for help. It is not an easy task for a girl to go in a cup that is 100 times smaller than the usual bowl!

Ray would not get anywhere near the mouse exit so I had to lie down on the floor with his cell… NO BAR! NO SIGNAL! NO HELP!

To be continued…

Post from Richard (30 Shades of Christmas – 15)

Has anyone heard from Krissie?

I tried to find a phone number for the South Pole Police in Vermont. The operator laughed! I explained the situation. She told me I shouldn’t have gotten off my meds… grrrr

I called 911, they assured me there is NO Officer Griff or Grinch Malone, anywhere! What is going on? I’m freaking out!

It has been over 24 hours without hearing from Krissie, I am really worried. What should we do?

Is Christmas really cancelled, should we return every thing to Amazon? What about the frozen turkey, should I return it too?

As long as this tragedy is not resolved, I will not listen to Christmas music any more nor watch Christmas movies. I will not drink Eggnog or Tequila …

My head is spinning with all the implications of this disappearance. What about all the kids who wrote to Santa?  Are their letters going to be returned? Will there be school between Christmas and New Year?  Surely, university staff will be required to work during this no-more-holiday.

There is nothing about this on the news.  Are they hiding it from us? Maybe there is a conspiracy out there, I’m just saying. If you don’t hear from me for a while, I might be onto something here!

Only the future will bring us the answers, but I think as of now, the future looks grim! MAYBE the magic is gone :(

To be continued…