Best Wishes

Nativity Scene (30 Shades of Christmas – 20)

Once I accepted my blazing demise, I collected myself and started a “to do” list. Number one on the list find a place to call home for a while. I asked Ray if he knew of any place available.

“Krissie I have a spare bedroom, why don’t you come live with me until your situation is put out!”

“NO!” I shouldn’t have been so abrupt with him but it was for his own sake. While spending four days with him in the safe, I had dreams about chocking him just for the entertainment value.

“Thank you Ray but I need my privacy. I’ll book a room in a hotel, the insurance should cover it.”

I made a few calls, there were NO rooms available anywhere; there was a librarian/Wed Developer convention in town and they pretty much had booked every thing.

I checked to see if there was any furnished place in the newspaper classified ads. Halleluiah! I found a place on a farm where the barn had been converted into living facilities.

I called and was told I was too late; a couple had beaten me to it. The owner told me it would not have been adequate for me because adjoining to the barn was a noisy donkey and a stinky Ox. The couple who rented the place didn’t care. The lady was about to burst with child and since all the rooms in town were rented already, they couldn’t find anything better. They were just passing through, so if I still needed it, after Christmas to just give them a call, they would see what they could do about the animals.

Coming back to my car I talked to a young boy. He invited me to his home, he was home alone… I didn’t trust him at all; his story was just too strange. Being a responsible adult, I sent two men to check it out.

If there were a roof on the sleigh, I would have just crashed there, but in winter, without a roof over my head, no way! I might as well live under a bridge.

I had only one option left, move in to the shop. It’s the busiest time of the year and the shop is running twenty four hours a day.  I know it will be inconvenient but at least, I’ll be warm. 

To be continued…

The Muffin Man (30 Shades of Christmas – 19)

You don’t truly appreciate freedom until you’ve lost it in a safe…

Now that I am free, I would like to say something meaningful, significant and inspiring, but I didn’t find anything so I’ll just bore you with the continuation of my story!

The first thing Ray and I enjoyed after our captivity was food. We didn’t count calories, didn’t care about the bites size, didn’t waste time sitting down, didn’t even care about using utensils, we just stuffed ourselves till it hurt!

Second joyful moment was the toilet. It was the most comfortable seat I had the pleasure to enjoy in four days!

Usually in December we work seven days a week and when I say “we” I mean Ray. I’m the boss! In my new found liberty, I decided to give Ray the day off. I’m sure the poor thing needed to watch his soaps on TV.

Before he left I warned him to stay out of trouble. I didn’t want him to encounter Officer Malone (AKA Grinch). We didn’t want the Grinch knowing his plan had failed and give him time to derail Christmas again.

I went downtown.  I was on the lookout for any police car. Talk about respecting the speed limits.

When it was time to return, I stopped at the muffin man store. It’s on Berry Lane. Do you know the muffin man? 

It’s a small shop so I was not afraid to run into Officer Malone there. Him being a cop and all, he must be more inclined to go to the donut place, right?

AND WHOSE CAR DID I SEE STOPPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STORE? Ray’s, he’s also a patron of the muffin man.

“Krissie I’m so glad to have found you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your house is burning down! I saw smoke and went to check where it was coming from. By the time I reached your house the flames were coming out the windows. The entire fire department was just sitting there, looking, they couldn’t do anything; the fire hydrant seemed to be frozen. I also saw the Grinch, he didn’t see me but I could see his face being illuminated with a smile.”

I am so in shock, 12 days before Christmas and I am homeless, I have no where to go. Does any one out there have a spare Ginger House for me?

Is it my destiny to be like the little match girl? I’ll warm myself with matches till I have no more and then my grandmother will carry me to heaven? I know I am a drama queen right now, but I can’t help it, my future is going down in a blaze of fire.

To be continued…

I’ll be (in your) home for Christmas (30 Shades of Christmas – 18)

Captivity Day 3

Nothing happened; we are locked forever in what might become our coffin. I don’t have any energy left.

I looked at Ray and never in my life I thought he would be the “one” till death do us apart!

I have to face it; the Grinch has won the battle!

Captivity Day 4

When I woke up, my pity party was over; I have to find a way to get out of here.

The room is so silent, it’s like a wake! Suddenly, the light bulb came on, bright as thousands Christmas light: “Ray last Christmas, I gave you a Swiss army knife, you didn’t give it away did you, do you still have it with you?”

“I do, but Krissie, we’re not that desperate yet!” He says.

“Ray I’m not thinking about killing ourselves.  Your knife has a screw driver, right?”

“Yes there is. What are you thinking? Are we going to screw ourselves out of here?”

“The opposite, we are going to unscrew ourselves out of here. We are going to unbolt the door handle, and then it’s going to be child play to get out of here!” I am so flabbergasted for having found a possible solution.

Ray gives me his knife. When I get to the handle, there are no screws. My plan can’t work. Frustrated I hit the handle and IT TURNS! The alarm goes BEEP BEEP BEEP as the door opens.

The entire time, the door was not locked. The Grinch had armed the alarm without locking the door. I never thought to check it out, how dumb is that! There is a good lesson here: If you think you can’t, you can’t, if you think you can, turn the damn handle, it’s unlocked!

From now, when ever anyone asks me what was the most embarrassing moment of my life; do I have a good story for them or what!

You’ll have to excuse me if I cut this short; I’m going on a trip, a trip to the kitchen! 

To be continue...

Not so Silent Night (30 Shades of Christmas – 17)

Captivity Day 2

Our first night in captivity was terrible. I have never been in a maximum security jail before, the occupants being on the naughty list I don’t have a reason to visit, but I imagine it’s something similar to what I experienced last night. 

We were sleeping head to toe on a shelf, giving a new meaning to shelf life. I have never slept with my “cellmate” before, boy does he snore! It kept me awake most of the night. I must admit, I did poke him several times and acted as if I was sleeping all along.  The poking made the incoming-train-like-noise stop for a while.

I think the mouse thought we were there for her amusement, she came in, got almost in Ray’s face, ran around, stared at me, probably thinking “look at me, look at me, I can get in and out no problem!”  If she comes close to me, I’ll shave her moustache off!

In the morning Ray woke up and asked: “What’s for breakfast.”

“Ray” I answered “Lets play the Hunger Game. Who ever survive can eat the loser.” For a strange reason, Ray hasn’t spoken about eating anymore!

I think Ray was feeling a little self-conscious and talking would be a good way of forgetting about our current predicament. He said: “Krissie you haven’t told me why you were with a police officer?”

“That’s right I forgot about that. The safe is empty, I still can’t figure out what happened with my LIST ©!”

“Oh that!” he answered looking uneasy.

“I decided to surprise you for Christmas, I enrolled all the elves and during the night we digitized the LIST ©. The elves were wearing slippers so to not wake you up and ruin the surprise. You should have seen it; they were all lined up, from the safe to the shop, passing the books from one to the other. At the shop, it went like clock work, one was scanning the LIST ©, passing it to the next one who was shredding it. We will use the shredded paper to pack delicate gifts; see we are recycling in the North Pole!”

“Every name has been saved on our server, here is my present.” He got a small electronic gadget from his pocket and handed it to me.

“I had no time to wrap it but it’s a Global Positioning Santa System (GPSS V1.00), it is password protected so we don’t need a safe any more. Every name and address has already been downloaded. On Christmas Night when you will activate your GPSS, it will map your whole delivery route for you in the most efficient way.”  

I had to bite my tongue. If he had just locked the safe and left a note inside in case I came in, we would not be in this jail right now.

I want to put my hands around his neck and stop the air flow, but knowing it’s the thought that counts I just said: “Thanks Ray, it’s the most thoughtful gift I have ever received.”

I can’t help to add, with a sarcastic tone: “If we ever get out of here, it will be really useful.”

The longer we are stuck here the more Christmas spirit escapes me!

To be continued…

Oh, I’m dreaming of a white… rescuer (30 Shades of Christmas – 16)

Captivity Day 1

After Grinch locked us in, I turned around and saw a smile on Ray’s face. Didn’t he realize our shit-uation? “Ray, why are you smiling?” I asked him.

He started to laugh and told me: “He is not the smartest gun in the whole pole, is he? He forgot to search us and I have my cell on me!”.

“Ray we are in the safe, it’s shielded, you are not going to get a signal in here!” I said, frustrated.

Poor guy, he is priceless in an office but get him away from his desk and he is as lost as carollers at a rock concert!

We sat on the floor and drank our coffee while it was still warm. We were both lost in our thoughts when I heard: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERK”

Ray was trying to get himself away from the floor by climbing the shelves. “WHAT are you doing Ray? We have only been locked in here for a few hours, are you losing it already?”

The poor thing stuttered: “A mo.. amo.. a mou” and finally “A mouse!”

“The last time we talked about your phobias it included snakes, ants, reindeer and cats, don’t tell me you are afraid of mice too?”

“Krissie I can’t help it, I am; ever since the mouse ran up the clock.”

To calm the princess down, I caught the white mouse by its tail and deposited it in my now empty coffee mug. I had a splitting headache, so I told Ray I would just lie down for a little while and we would work on a plan later.

I didn’t have any idea how long I slept, but when I woke up, the coffee had migrated in a part of my body that demanded to let it go, let it go, let it go. Sadly the safe didn’t have a toilet. The only thing I saw which could somehow be used as a pee-receptacle were the coffee mugs. I looked and Ray had already used his for that purpose, mine still had the mouse in it, and that poor thing looked disgusted to have been stuck without food or drinks in a space too small to do anything.

I had no choice I really had to let it go, let it go, let it go… then it hit me: If the mouse found a way to get in the safe, maybe the sealed room was not so sealed after all. If I let the mouse go and we watched where the mouse got out, we would just need to get Ray’s phone near the hole and he would probably get a signal! I know I’m a genius!  I shared the plan with Ray and told him to climb on a shelf; I had never seen him move that fast, ever. Funny what a little motivation can do!

I released the mouse and right away it went running toward Ray’s shelf. Ray, shrieking, was about to climb to higher grounds, when I saw our white rescuer disappear between a post and the wall. I bent down and saw a minuscule crack.

Surely the mouse was relieved and I urgently needed to relieve myself before attempting to call for help. It is not an easy task for a girl to go in a cup that is 100 times smaller than the usual bowl!

Ray would not get anywhere near the mouse exit so I had to lie down on the floor with his cell… NO BAR! NO SIGNAL! NO HELP!

To be continued…

Post from Richard (30 Shades of Christmas – 15)

Has anyone heard from Krissie?

I tried to find a phone number for the South Pole Police in Vermont. The operator laughed! I explained the situation. She told me I shouldn’t have gotten off my meds… grrrr

I called 911, they assured me there is NO Officer Griff or Grinch Malone, anywhere! What is going on? I’m freaking out!

It has been over 24 hours without hearing from Krissie, I am really worried. What should we do?

Is Christmas really cancelled, should we return every thing to Amazon? What about the frozen turkey, should I return it too?

As long as this tragedy is not resolved, I will not listen to Christmas music any more nor watch Christmas movies. I will not drink Eggnog or Tequila …

My head is spinning with all the implications of this disappearance. What about all the kids who wrote to Santa?  Are their letters going to be returned? Will there be school between Christmas and New Year?  Surely, university staff will be required to work during this no-more-holiday.

There is nothing about this on the news.  Are they hiding it from us? Maybe there is a conspiracy out there, I’m just saying. If you don’t hear from me for a while, I might be onto something here!

Only the future will bring us the answers, but I think as of now, the future looks grim! MAYBE the magic is gone :(

To be continued…

Blast this Christmas Music (30 Shades of Christmas – 14)

’’It must be him; I just heard the door open. RAY is that you?’’

All I get for an answer is silence, but I can hear someone walking toward the safe, I recognize the footstep, it is Ray!

’’Ray, why didn’t you answer?’’ I ask.

I’m looking at him, he looks like he spent the night partying. He is wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday. He has earphones on and I can perceive blasting Christmas music coming from them. He has two coffees in his hands; I sure hope he got me my favourite, Cinnamon Mocha, with a dash of cream.

He slowly raises his eyes and he sees Griff and me watching his every movements. He looks startled and yells: ’’KRISSIE WHY ARE YOU WITH THE POLICE?’’

I gesture to him to remove the earphone. ’’Ray don’t you see something strange in the safe?’’

’’Of course I see something strange; there is a police officer, in the safe, with a gun pointing at us!’’.

Looking back, I can see Griff with his pistol un-holstered. I tell him smiling: ’’Griff, it’s Ray my admin assistant, you don’t need your gun!’’

He says: ’’You two bozos, raise your hands, come slowly toward the back of the room.’’

’’GRIFF what are you doing? WE didn’t do anything!’’ I say.

From the corner of my eyes, I can feel Ray will try something, I think he wants to throw the coffee to create a diversion. I have to stop him: ’’Ray don’t try anything, just listen to him.’’

He seems hesitant then he just puts the coffees on a shelf and raises his hands. I follow his lead and we slowly walk toward the back of the room as directed.

’’Why are you doing this Griff? We don’t have anything of value!’’ I plead with him.

’’Don’t you know who I am? Do you remember in school, in Mrs. Rudolph class the kid who called you Satan Claus… It was me! My name is not Griff, it’s Grinch!’’

’’It can’t be, that was over two hundreds year ago!’’ I answer.

’’Haven’t you heard, Christmas is magic, including black magic ha ha ha’’.

’’You and your assistant will be locked in this safe forever… Christmas is CANCELED! Good riddance! Now the kids can be as naughty as they want without any penalty.’’

’’Good bye Satan Claus, may your worst nightmares come true! Ho Ho freaking Ho!’’ he says while walking out.

-BEEP- Oh no, the alarm is armed, why did I have to tell him how to set it, the only ones who know the combination are locked in.   

To be continued…

Oh di hop, oh di hop, oh di hop, ohé (30 Shades of Christmas – 13)

With the dark curtain lifting, I found myself lying down on the couch looking at the floor. I could see Officer Malone’s shoes.

“Did anyone ever tell you, you have nice shoe size?” I couldn’t help myself from asking.

“Mam, Krissie, you are confused, you just fainted. I caught you just as you were falling and laid you on the couch.” Officer Malone said.

“Do you feel better now or would you like me to bring you to a hospital?” he added.

“I will be alright; would you at least look at the crime scene, Officer Malone?”

“You can call me Griff, Krissie. Those books are very important to you, are they valuable?” Griff said.

“Yes Griff, they are the only copy in the whole world; they are invaluable.” Helpless, I started to cry.

He looked at me with intelligent eyes and asked to see the library.

I got up, walked with him to the safe and showed him the empty room.

He seemed skeptical. “Krissie could you tell me what happened last night?”

Sobbing I explained: “Nothing happened, last night, all the books were here. I locked the room, armed the alarm and went to bed, which is the next room. This morning, I found the door opened and the room completely empty.”

“Are you sure the alarm was armed?”

“Yes, it is not a complicated system, there is a red button to push and the alarm automatically comes on. I heard the beep confirming the operation was successfully done.”

He asked: “How many books were there?”

“I don’t know the exact number, all the shelves were full so it must be several thousand” I answered.

“There are no windows, so they – because it can’t be only one person – they took the books, walked the corridor, opened the outside door and put the books in a very big truck so silently that you didn’t wake up. Krissie how can someone steal thousands of books without you hearing anything.?”

“Griff if I could answer that, I would not need you, would I?”

“I am not accusing you; I’m trying to make sense of what happened here.” He says in a conciliating tone.

“Who has access to this room?” he wants to know.

“Only Ray my administrative assistant and I.”

“It’s 10 am, shouldn’t your assistant be here by now?”

To be continued…

20/20 eyes sight (30 Shades of Christmas – 12)

My brain just refuses to believe my eyes. I’m in front of the empty room looking from left to right, floor to ceiling, I can see all those bare shelves but it doesn’t make sense.

Where is my LIST ©? I’m wondering. I quickly review last night’s routine; as usual, I turned off the lights in the safe, closed and locked the door and armed the security system. Every thing was in order. The LIST © was right there, I went to bed with the knowledge that today would be like any other day.

You have to understand that the LIST © is like my own flesh and blood. Without it, my life is meaningless! How am I supposed to deliver presents when I don’t know who has been good and who has been bad? What if I give to the naughtiest, what kind of message would I be sending to the whole world. I can’t move but my mind is all over the place.

It’s not even 09:00 AM, I haven’t had my breakfast yet, but I decide that eggnogs will do for today. I need something to boost my spirit and keep me focus on the task at hand. By the time I reach for the bottle, I realize eggnog will not be strong enough, I go for Tequila instead. I don’t even bother with a glass, as this is an emergency, drinking from the bottle will do.

Let me say this, drinking Tequila in the morning, on an empty stomach, is not one of my best ideas! At first, my mind is so focused making a plan as I on the other hand am busy lowering the bottle level.

I call the police…

“911 what is your emergency?”

“I am dying over here” I barely voice.

“Mam stay on the line, we have an emergency vehicle heading to your place right now.”

“Could you ask them to get me breakfast while at it?”

“Mam?”

Gulp gulp “Never mind, I think I’m OK”

“Mam can you hear the sirens?”

“YES! Why do they have to be so loud?”

“Mam can you go and open the door?”

“The door is opened, the room is empty, which is why I called…”

Somewhere in my tequila brain I can hear loud knocks. Oh it’s the front door. I go to the door, open it, and who is there? Officer Malone from the SPPD! The eggnog just hit the fan!

“Officer Malone! Nice to see you, come on in.” In my drunken stage, I know I’m missing something, and then it hits me. I have to be careful with him, the last time we saw each other, I got a ride to the Ginger Bread mad house.

“Mam have we met before?”

“NO!” I answer too quickly. “I read your name tag!” I add, slowing down my speech.

I’m telling myself “Krissie get hold of yourself, you can’t afford another ride with him, Christmas is just a few weeks away, time is of the essence”.

All the while with a stupid grin on my face, I’m thinking: “It’s a good thing I’m not topless, I don’t want it to ring a jingle bell in his suspicious officer brain.”  It’s hard not to giggle out loud!

“What is your problem?” he asks.

“My list is missing” I honestly answer.

“Your list? You called 911 because you lost a list?”

“Don’t be silly officer Malone that would be crazy, no one called for a list. What I meant to say was all of my books have been stolen.” Did I just say crazy? I certainly don’t want him to associate “crazy” and “me”!

“Mam we have more important calls to answer than book thefts. Just go to the station, WHEN YOU CAN DRIVE, and fill up a police report.”

“Please, call me Krissie.” If it was not for a police officer being present, I would have kicked myself so hard; last Christmas, I wouldn’t give any personal identification, and here I am in my drunken madness just throwing it out there.

“Would you care for a sip of my Tequila?”  Smooth, Krissie, offering booze to a police officer at 9 AM!

He just turns around heading for the door.

“Please don’t go!” I barely have time to say before a curtain of darkness surrounds me.

To be continued…

Checking it twice (30 Shades of Christmas – 11)

Checking it twice? For goodness sake, checking the “LIST ©” once is plenty enough.

Throughout the years, many people have talked about the LIST © exploiting it for their own purposes. Parents, teachers and others threatening kids, telling them they will end up on the naughty list if they don’t behave to their expectations. Well, that “naughty list” does not exist, there is only one list and it’s my LIST ©; so, no more, today I’m setting the record straight.

First of all I want to reassure every one that your identity will be protected. The LIST © is so Top Secret that I can’t even dream about it. NO names or details will be revealed here, unless... 

It is divided in 3 sections:

The first section is “Good”. It’s the second biggest section. Ok I’ll give you one name as an example of being good, there is Richard, a French Canadian who lives in Val-des-Bois; he is one of the few whose name is written in permanent ink! 

The second section is “Naughty”. It is the smallest section. Surprisingly enough, most of the names are of grand-parents (no one is being pointed out here Julia!)  

The latest section is “Fence”, this is by far the biggest section. It’s because I haven’t made up my mind. It’s like being in a court of law, however, no one is presumed innocent. I’m the Judge and Jury. You should hope that when I get to your names Martha, WWE or Hairy Toes that I’m not having a crappy day!

Each section is divided in 3 sub-sections: Boys, girls and others.

Each sub-section is divided in 4 sub-sub-sections: Children, Teens, Parents, grand-parents.

As you can see, it’s complex and I’m lazy so I have helpers.

The most important group of helpers are the denunciators: The parents, the teachers or any one who wants to suck-up to me.

I also have Ray, he is my administrative assistant. He always insist on keeping everything in alphabetical order or ‘’it will be a free for all’’ (his words not mines). I don’t know how many times I thought about sending him to the unemployment office!

Just a few seconds after birth you are on the list;

You are a boy… on the Fence, I’ll decide later!

You are a girl… and you have freckles, you are going to join the boys on the Fence. Otherwise, you are Good to go!

By the time you reach sixish... You are a boy and you’ve pulled a girl’s hair, that’s OK you are a boy, you can still get on the Good list. You are a girl and you pulled a boy’s hair. On the Naughty list, it’s not proper behaviour for a girl!

And on and on it goes…

There are so many names on the LIST ©, printed in really small characters, which fill up books and books of endless shelves, locked in a safe disguised to look like a library.

This morning I found the safe’s door wide opened! My heart started to race, the door is NEVER opened. I looked inside… WHAT THE f… fridge! The room is empty, where is my LIST ©?

To be continued…

Do You Hear What I Hear? (30 Shades of Christmas – 10)

(Tis next part of my story is sponsored by O tips; they would like to remind you that wax makes perfect candles!)

Do You Hear What I Hear? My phone is ringing. There aren’t too many people who know my number:

Ray my administrative assistant – He calls whenever he is late

Jack my accountant – When he has column problem

Wrong number – On that subject, “NO my name is not Doris, STOP calling!”

Telemarketers – I have won so many trips over the year… I just hang up!

Ring ring, Ring ring

“Hello” I answer.

“Hello, may I speak to Krissie Kringle please.”

“Speaking” Now I’m really wondering who it is.

“My name is Charles Dickens, I work for the Income Tax Agency, and while we were conducting an audit we found some problems with your past declarations. They will have consequences for your present and yet to come declarations.”

“OK, hum, could you talk this over with my accountant? It’s Jack Frost.”

“Mam, while I have you on the line, I would like to ask you a few questions. How many days did you work last year?”

“One day… well one night would be more precise!” I can’t help myself from giggling.

“Wow I wish I could trade job with you Mrs. Kringle. Looking at your expenses, for that one night, you declared two thousand pounds of hay and five hundred pounds of carrots; do you see what I see?” he asks.

“I’m afraid we will have to frosty all your accounts.” He adds.

“Mr. Dickens, I have a particular exemption known as the Special Annual Noel Tax Advent (Santa for short), don’t you know what I know?”

“It rings a bell, I think I’ll call your accountant to get the particulars, thank you and have a merry Christmas!”

To be continued…

Dogs and Cats (30 Shades of Christmas – 9)

Warning: The opinions expressed here are explicitly my own. No pet has ever been harmed when crossing my path and I am not a psychopath… much!

I HATE FAMILY PETS! It has nothing to do with allergies; it has everything to do with them being such a nuisance when I’m trying to accomplish my job.

The last time I was at a bar, the dude sitting next to me started a conversation about family pets. I didn’t mind. I was not attracted to him, but he was buying me drinks.

Maybe I should not have taken advantage of him and I should have let him know from the beginning about my aversion for pets.

Let’s not put all the creatures in the same cage:

I don’t know how many times, I bend down by the Christmas tree to leave a present and suddenly all the decorations in the tree start to come alive, the tree shakes, and I see a furry ball go from 0 to 100 mph faster than I have time to realize what is happening. Scares the sh** out of me!

Why is it that dogs are just so affectionate, are they needy or what? They are just an obstacle between me and the Christmas tree. The stupid things just get in my way trying to lick me, get me to pet them or worse, they go fetch the present I just left under the tree! Hey go hunt a cat, why don’t you? NO! They just stay there looking at me, eyes full of love, wiggling their tails.

I still have nightmares about this one house where everything was quiet, I could hear a grand-father clock: tic-toc-tic-toc. The fireplace was one of those electric one with a make-believe fire going on. I walked quietly, there was NO cat and NO dog. I started to relax, just as I walked by the mantle, I heard a noise… my heart almost stopped. From the middle of my being came a sound and it took me several seconds to know it was my own. There was a hamster in a cage on the mantle. The little family rat just happened to go for a spin in its wheel as I walked by!

When I first got my sleigh, my thoughts were to get cats to pull it. One bonus I could see was that once in a while, I could hold one on my laps and it would warm me up. Talking with a sleigh specialist, he explained I would need at least a thousand cats to pull the sleigh. I would probably waste a lot of time waking them up as they would want to sleep all the time. I would have to bring their litters because you know those princesses just won’t “go” anywhere, which would increase the weight of the whole operation. Finally, there would be a lot of anger from the home owners who would have to leave sardines instead of carrots as a treat for them. Nah, this stinks!

In some northern places, they do use dog’s team to pull sleighs. I decided against it, let just say my main concern was there are too many fire hydrants on my route for it to be manageable!

As far as pulling a sleigh, do I really need to explain using hamsters would be a bad idea?

I couldn’t use horses because they get air sick and since I’m sitting directly behind them, without any windshield…

The reindeer were the perfect match, a couple of carrots once in a while, I even have a helper who takes care of them; I just wish I could stay up wind from them!

“Do you own a pet?” my neighbour asked pulling me out of my haze.

“Heck no. I would love another Tequila though!” I answered, after a few seconds, needing to get back to the boring conversation at the bar.

To be continued…

NORAD Tracking System (30 Shades of Christmas – 8)

Did you hear it on the news, NORAD will be tracking Santa’s trip, AGAIN?

This is what you can read on Wikipedia:

““NORAD Tracks Santa” is an annual Christmas-themed entertainment program, which has existed since 1955, produced under the auspices of the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). Every year on Christmas Eve, "NORAD Tracks Santa" purports to track Santa Claus as he leaves the North Pole and delivers presents to children around the world.”

Maybe I’m a little paranoid but NORAD is a government organisation; if they are stalking me, I do have cause to be paranoid.

I’m not sure exactly when they started but eventually I did realize I was being trailed. Ok I should have known better, the noise from the jet fighter engines was scaring my reindeer but at first I refused to face reality. After a while though, I could no longer pretend it was a coincidence; whenever I was flying, I could hear them.

Being really scared of mid-air collision I tried to communicate with them. Having no radio, I used international sign language so maybe they didn’t understand my finger gesture? Was it lost in translation? 

You probably haven’t heard about those miscommunications. I’m sure they have been classified and I don’t mean “made classier”. After all “they” are Big Brother and they can do what ever they want when it suits them.

Now, if I were an enemy country, I would wait for NORAD to be busy tracking Santa and attack then. I’m not a General but did they think about this possibility? Just to be safe, in case I am caught in the crossfire, maybe I should armed myself; a couple of eggnog cocktail Molotov should be all I need! or should it be Tequila? or...

To be continued…