Checking it twice (30 Shades of Christmas – 11)

Checking it twice? For goodness sake, checking the “LIST ©” once is plenty enough.

Throughout the years, many people have talked about the LIST © exploiting it for their own purposes. Parents, teachers and others threatening kids, telling them they will end up on the naughty list if they don’t behave to their expectations. Well, that “naughty list” does not exist, there is only one list and it’s my LIST ©; so, no more, today I’m setting the record straight.

First of all I want to reassure every one that your identity will be protected. The LIST © is so Top Secret that I can’t even dream about it. NO names or details will be revealed here, unless... 

It is divided in 3 sections:

The first section is “Good”. It’s the second biggest section. Ok I’ll give you one name as an example of being good, there is Richard, a French Canadian who lives in Val-des-Bois; he is one of the few whose name is written in permanent ink! 

The second section is “Naughty”. It is the smallest section. Surprisingly enough, most of the names are of grand-parents (no one is being pointed out here Julia!)  

The latest section is “Fence”, this is by far the biggest section. It’s because I haven’t made up my mind. It’s like being in a court of law, however, no one is presumed innocent. I’m the Judge and Jury. You should hope that when I get to your names Martha, WWE or Hairy Toes that I’m not having a crappy day!

Each section is divided in 3 sub-sections: Boys, girls and others.

Each sub-section is divided in 4 sub-sub-sections: Children, Teens, Parents, grand-parents.

As you can see, it’s complex and I’m lazy so I have helpers.

The most important group of helpers are the denunciators: The parents, the teachers or any one who wants to suck-up to me.

I also have Ray, he is my administrative assistant. He always insist on keeping everything in alphabetical order or ‘’it will be a free for all’’ (his words not mines). I don’t know how many times I thought about sending him to the unemployment office!

Just a few seconds after birth you are on the list;

You are a boy… on the Fence, I’ll decide later!

You are a girl… and you have freckles, you are going to join the boys on the Fence. Otherwise, you are Good to go!

By the time you reach sixish... You are a boy and you’ve pulled a girl’s hair, that’s OK you are a boy, you can still get on the Good list. You are a girl and you pulled a boy’s hair. On the Naughty list, it’s not proper behaviour for a girl!

And on and on it goes…

There are so many names on the LIST ©, printed in really small characters, which fill up books and books of endless shelves, locked in a safe disguised to look like a library.

This morning I found the safe’s door wide opened! My heart started to race, the door is NEVER opened. I looked inside… WHAT THE f… fridge! The room is empty, where is my LIST ©?

To be continued…