Misconceptions (30 Shades of Christmas – 2)

By now you must have figured out who I really am; but in case you have doubts, I am the one you probably call Santa Claus! Well, as you might have noticed there are a lot of misconceptions out there. At this time, I won’t start pointing fingers at any one in particular, but let me assure you that:

They better watch out
They better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why

My lawyer is coming to town

O! They better watch out!

  

One of the most important facts every one ALWAYS has wrong is they think I’m a man!  I’m a girl for crying out loud! Since the turn of the century, there have been numerous overweight imposters; all named Nick and they’ve all been taking credit for what I do.

Are you in shock? You want proof? Well, let me tell you, I don’t have the ’’equipment’’, I can’t pee standing up, periods. I don’t have a beard, maybe a little hair under the nose once in a while, but when I shave my legs, I also take care of my upper lip. 

However, I don’t wear makeup, you could say I like being ’’au naturel’’, but the main reason; I don't know how and I wouldn’t want to scare the kids. 

 If you look in my purse, you might find some cookie crumbs but you’ll also find Tampons! If you follow me on my big day, you will also notice, I don’t parallel park and when I get lost, I’m not shy about asking for directions!

One more thing worth mentioning, I don’t wear red, according to some personal development courses I attended I’m a winter so it’s not even in my pallet. I wear pink or black, nothing else. Those pseudo Santa can just take their red suit and shove it… into the chimneys!

Have you seen the Macy’s Christmas parade last weekend? If you knew me, you would know I hate crowds, you would NEVER catch me in any parade, no matter how much money they would offer me!

What’s with all those Santas asking kids what they want, WHO is the adult here? I know from personal experience it doesn’t mater what precious gift you had to fight traffic and a mob to acquire it. It will end up in the same pile of garbage in an overflowing land fill somewhere near you. If you really want to give kids something useful, just give them a check, they can invest it in their education. My job would be so much easier!

Ho ho ho tell Bob Santa what you want for Christmas, hurry up I'm getting paid by heads count

To be continued...