Socially Speaking (30 Shades of Christmas – 7)

“It’s not what you do that is important; it’s the lies you have to tell!”

Krissie Kringle

You know you have hit rock bottom when you have to create your own quote to open a delicate subject!

One of my least favourite questions is: “What do you do for a living?” How on earth am I supposed to answer that one? I lie!

I’ll spare you the details but before World War I, I answered:

-         Husband hunter.  Oups it reminds me I have to go check my traps.

-         Child Bearer, but I’m between jobs right now!

-         Nothing! but my husband has a farm, Mr OldMcDonald do you know him?

-         One depressing time, I just said grave digger, boy did the room become quiet real fast!

During WW II, I decided to be cute and gave a lot of details… “I work at Big Bang Bomb factory. John my boyfriend has been deployed over-sea, when he returns we will get married.”

I got a speedy course in lying right there and then; “My cousin Rachel also work for Big Bang, she never mentioned you!” said the social butterfly lady.

“I never mentioned her either, is there more wine?” trying-to-change-the-subject me answered.

“As far as I know, John has been wounded and is back at his parents’ house, haven’t you gone to see him?” persisting-lie-detector asked.

“Did you hear John? I said Jon!” Apology-sounding me said.

“Jon is not from around here. Sorry, I have to go to the ladies room, where is it?” Hoping it’s an out house and I can get away me answered.

“It’s the door on your left; I also need to go to powder my nose…” Can’t-get-rid-of-her answered.

When we entered the bathroom, I had a plan. I’ll sit on the toilet, make a lot of noise and wait for the powder nosier to be gone, and then just climb out the window.

I am not an engineer but when we entered the room, I knew my plan had failed. There was NO window!

Why can I be so stealthy for one night of the year and so visible the rest of the time?

Don’t worry there was a plan B. I told her: “Oh my gosh, I just remembered I forgot to put the safety cap on the last bomb I assembled, I have to go…”

“Wait, wait” I heard behind me.   

What I learned about lying is that you don’t give specific, you shut your mouth as soon as possible and you always know where the exits are.

With age comes wisdom. Sometimes I just reverse the question and aggressively ask: “What do YOU do for a living?” It put the person on the defensive and it deflects the conversation to them.

My latest answer is I’m unemployed and live under a bridge.

“Which bridge?” You-may-not-ask.

To be continued…