Christmas Past (30 Shades of Christmas – 5)

If you subscribe to the North Pole Times you might have already read about the following story in the newspaper; but let me tell you the whole story of what really happened to me last Christmas.

It was a really cold night, I was on my delivery job *wink* *wink*, I was late to start with and I didn’t have time for supper. In several of the houses on my route, I did eat all the cookies, the carrots, the peanuts but after a while, you just can’t stuff your face with this junk anymore.

I remember clearly one specific house; it was in a condo complex.  All houses look a like but that one, as soon I entered it smelled like Bob BBQ and Chicken located in East Pole, where they deliver to all poles. (I know it’s terrible to have to do product placements but I need a new pair of shoes.)

Because of the turkey aroma my stomach went into over-drive, if there had been someone in the house, they would have heard the noise it was making. Lucky for me, no one was there, were they gone to Midnight mass or somewhere else, I didn’t care, the turkey was there, slowly cooking in their oven.

I couldn’t help myself; I had to see the beautiful bird in all its glory. I opened the oven door and there it was its skin a nice golden colour and so crispy, I swear it said: “Take me, take me”.

I reasoned that if I took only one little bite, the owner would blame the dog and there would be no consequences. Gently, I carved a minuscule piece which strangely enough, filled my whole mouth. It was like having an orgasm; like I must have a G spot in my throat!

Oh Oh Oh I completely lost control, I stuffed my face faster than the turkey must have been.

Afterward, looking at the damages, I felt really guilty. Realizing what I had done, I started to cry a river of tears for this majestic, admirable, splendid bird who gave its life to feed this family.

The guilt was so overwhelming that the next day; I joined the F.A.T. group short for “Free All Turkeys”. I attended a demonstration, and in honour of my victim, I went bare breasts, well they were not completely bare, I basted them first.   

 

I got arrested by Officer Malone from the SPPD (South Pole Police Department), He asked me: “Mam what is your name and current address?”

I can’t just tell him I’m Santa Claus and I live at the North Pole, so I acted crazy and told him: “Aunt Bertha, is that you?”

You should have seen the look on his face! Priceless!

I added: “Can you make sure the potatoes don’t touch my steak.”

He called his supervisor and they drove me to Ginger Bread Mad House, it's a mental institution.  It was only for evaluation, mind you.

I spent 2 weeks there, never giving up any personal information. One good thing about the experience is that it was the best time of my life! I was fed 3 meals a day, someone was cleaning up my room, making my bed, I didn’t even need to go to the TV room as they were pushing me in a wheel chair. Every 4 hours, they gave me one of those little yellow pills; I don’t know if I can find them on the street, but boys did they make me feel good!

Every good thing has to come to an end and they kicked me out, I tried to resist, I told them: “It’s insane, you can’t just kick me out, I haven’t told anyone about my parents yet! Can I have a doggy bag for the leftover pills?” 

To be continued…