Dogs and Cats (30 Shades of Christmas – 9)

Warning: The opinions expressed here are explicitly my own. No pet has ever been harmed when crossing my path and I am not a psychopath… much!

I HATE FAMILY PETS! It has nothing to do with allergies; it has everything to do with them being such a nuisance when I’m trying to accomplish my job.

The last time I was at a bar, the dude sitting next to me started a conversation about family pets. I didn’t mind. I was not attracted to him, but he was buying me drinks.

Maybe I should not have taken advantage of him and I should have let him know from the beginning about my aversion for pets.

Let’s not put all the creatures in the same cage:

I don’t know how many times, I bend down by the Christmas tree to leave a present and suddenly all the decorations in the tree start to come alive, the tree shakes, and I see a furry ball go from 0 to 100 mph faster than I have time to realize what is happening. Scares the sh** out of me!

Why is it that dogs are just so affectionate, are they needy or what? They are just an obstacle between me and the Christmas tree. The stupid things just get in my way trying to lick me, get me to pet them or worse, they go fetch the present I just left under the tree! Hey go hunt a cat, why don’t you? NO! They just stay there looking at me, eyes full of love, wiggling their tails.

I still have nightmares about this one house where everything was quiet, I could hear a grand-father clock: tic-toc-tic-toc. The fireplace was one of those electric one with a make-believe fire going on. I walked quietly, there was NO cat and NO dog. I started to relax, just as I walked by the mantle, I heard a noise… my heart almost stopped. From the middle of my being came a sound and it took me several seconds to know it was my own. There was a hamster in a cage on the mantle. The little family rat just happened to go for a spin in its wheel as I walked by!

When I first got my sleigh, my thoughts were to get cats to pull it. One bonus I could see was that once in a while, I could hold one on my laps and it would warm me up. Talking with a sleigh specialist, he explained I would need at least a thousand cats to pull the sleigh. I would probably waste a lot of time waking them up as they would want to sleep all the time. I would have to bring their litters because you know those princesses just won’t “go” anywhere, which would increase the weight of the whole operation. Finally, there would be a lot of anger from the home owners who would have to leave sardines instead of carrots as a treat for them. Nah, this stinks!

In some northern places, they do use dog’s team to pull sleighs. I decided against it, let just say my main concern was there are too many fire hydrants on my route for it to be manageable!

As far as pulling a sleigh, do I really need to explain using hamsters would be a bad idea?

I couldn’t use horses because they get air sick and since I’m sitting directly behind them, without any windshield…

The reindeer were the perfect match, a couple of carrots once in a while, I even have a helper who takes care of them; I just wish I could stay up wind from them!

“Do you own a pet?” my neighbour asked pulling me out of my haze.

“Heck no. I would love another Tequila though!” I answered, after a few seconds, needing to get back to the boring conversation at the bar.

To be continued…